Can I Get Some Prayers Up in Here?!?

Hello Friends,

My apologies that it's been so long since I've blogged; for I have had zero time to do so.  I suppose it's been a combination of being really busy at work (and thus having no brain space left with which to compose blog-worthy thoughts in the evenings) and just being like....DOWN.  In the DUMPS, ya'll.  Sometimes it's just hard to write when I'm having a bad attitude attack.  But alas, I am human.  It's what we do.

I'm sure everyone has heard of the "stages of grief" at one time or another.  But in any case, I've provided this handy chart that shows what they are:

Sorry this graphic is kind of tiny...but ANYWAYS, I think most people assume that this is like, a set process.  But the reality is that people can feel these stages in all different orders and ways.  I know that I did the whole shock thing.  Then, being the Jesus-Follower that I am, I kind of skipped right to acceptance phase.  God has a plan, there is a purpose for this, etc.

There was a LITTLE bit of bargaining in there, as I tried to "take control" of doctor appointments, Mom's care, and read the cancer info packet like a psycho that has an exam the next day.  I've spent a lot of time thinking I had to always be the one with her, and that I was the only one that could comfort her.  I still have a propensity to be that way.   But I've tried to let go of the anxiety of that--because not only do we have to trust God to deal with us in our OWN lives, but we have to trust Him to care for those we love as well.

I can't fix her, but HOLY CRAP I want to try.

The thing is, now that we are "in the weeds" so to speak--Chemo is in full effect, along with all its ugly-ass side effects--I don't freaking WANT to accept it anymore.  Anger?  Check.  And when I'm not just royally pissed off that she's going through this, I'm crying my eyes out.  Depression?  Check.

Sigh.  I suppose this writing is an attempt at something cathartic.  Because this is not getting any easier.  In fact, it's getting harder.  Harder and harder to see her feeling like crap and going through the stages of grief in her own way.  As I look at my patterns for these stages of grief, they are actually quite similar to hers.  And all I REALLY want to do is just super glue myself to her.  Like, all the time.  Somehow, it was just easier at the beginning to be hopeful and believe.

Don't get me wrong...deep down, I know we all still believe.  And my head knows that this is temporary, and that we will get through this.  But I find that lately, my heart just feels like it's being dragged deeper and deeper into this new, scarier version of life in which we find ourselves.

I must also acknowledge that part of my sadness of late is kitty-related.  My sweet Jo is going to have her back leg amputated this coming Monday.  I get barfy and denial-y every time I think about it.  So instead of barfing, I'm posting this video of a happy three-legged cat.  (That's right, I've graduated from pictures to videos people!)

Anywho...the main goal of this post was to ask for prayers.  I can acknowledge that this is easily the most challenging time in my entire life (and I'm certain my Mom's as well), and sometimes, it's simply hard to FEEL that God is here.  But I know it's not about feelings.  It's about believing.  And it really helps to imagine that there are people out there willing to offer up some more prayers for us....for peace, for hope, for comfort.

Because today is hump day....and this is a camel.  But I hope he's like...sleeping and not dead.

Oh, and one last thought...on a MUCH happier note...my little niece (also known at the cutest being ever to crawl the face of this earth) is turning ONE tomorrow!  I can't wait to celebrate with her, even though she won't have any clue what's happening.  :)

Part of the reason I'm scared to have kids is that I can't imagine thinking another kid is cuter than her.  Also, have you SEEN my awkwardly Yoda-like baby pictures?  Oh, no?  Well, don't expect those suckers to show up HERE!!!

Hugs and love,
S